Anger in Parents: Three Ways to Get Control
7 minute read
“Anyone can become angry—that is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way—this is not easy.”
—Aristotle
“There is such punishment in the culture for angry women.”
—Gloria Steinem, feminist activist
Introduction
Everyone gets angry at times. Parents raising young children experience challenging and frustrating times every day that can lead to anger. Feeling angry at your child can be uncomfortable and unproductive and may occur more often than you want. This article explores the self-talk to help you calm yourself when hot moments arise. When you learn to control your inner thought process you can center and self-soothe and feel better about your child and yourself. A calm parent is an important model for a young child who is trying to gain impulse control over their own emotions and actions.
In contrast to the common expert advice about anger management and stress that emphasizes exercise, diet, and sleep, this article focuses on the inner thoughts or self-talk that can help adults control their angry feelings in-the-moment.
Exit Strategy, If Necessary
If you are ever with your child and feel like you are totally beginning to lose it and might get verbally or physically abusive, the best and only strategy is to leave the room—EXIT IMMEDIATELY—making sure that your young child is safe alone for a few moments. Although this article can be helpful in calming yourself while you are at your Exit Place, this article focuses on high-adrenaline moments where you are still in control and do not need an exit strategy.
Self-Talk Strategies: 3 Steps Back
Most children have a unique talent of knowing what buttons to push on their parents and when is the worst possible time to push them. I created the following three techniques to help parents protect their buttons and get control of their inner self-talk so that they can calm themselves and deal more effectively with a high-adrenaline moment.
3 BREATHS
Breathing and controlling breathing is essential in calming. Along with breathing, gaining emotional distance from a situation is also essential in calming. For each of these three techniques, you should first focus on taking three deep, slow breaths, counting each breath as you take it, “breathe” on the inhale, count on the exhale: “breathe-1,” “breathe-2,” “breathe-3.” Try this now…take 1, then 2, then 3 deep, slow breaths. Since practicing this technique is important, doing this practice now is starting you on your way to using this technique.
Now try this again: “breathe-1,” “breathe-2,” “breathe-3.”
Good. Hopefully you feel a little calmer than before your took your three breaths.
EMOTIONAL DISTANCE
Now incorporate a mental picture in your mind as you take your three breaths. You want to achieve a feeling of emotional distance from the situation. You won’t be taking three steps back physically, but you will be pulling back three steps emotionally—mentally picturing yourself pulling back, first 1 step, then 2 steps, the 3 steps, mentally gaining some emotional distance from the situation, withdrawing in a centering and helpful way.
Now take your three breaths again and this time, with each breath, imagine yourself taking a step backward. You “breathe-1” while taking a mental step back at the same time, “breathe-2” while taking another mental step back, and then “breathe-3” while taking a third mental step back from the situation.
You can rehearse this one more time now….“breathe-1” step back mentally, “breathe-2” step back, “breathe-3” step back. At this point you should be feeling somewhat calmer and more centered within yourself, that is, tuned in more to yourself than what is happening externally in the moment.
Now, after the breathing and emotional distancing, the self-talk begins. There are three different techniques suggested below—choose the one seems to calm you the most and you can play that tape in your head to get yourself to a calmer, less angry place.
Always do the breathing, emotional distancing technique above before choosing one of these techniques.
SELF-TALK: Child’s Journey
"This has nothing to do with me. This has to do with my child struggling with being ____years old. This is my child’s journey. This is my child’s struggle. This has nothing to do with me."
And the truth is, 90% of the time this is true. The difficult behavior is about your child and their struggle. One-year-olds experience lots of frustration, two-year-olds are struggling with trying to control the world, three-year-olds are not sure if they are big or little, four-year-olds are testing limits, five-year-olds think that parents are dumber than dirt. Chances are, the hot situation you are in has to do with your child’s journey and struggle to grow up and it is important that you own who the problem belongs to.
When I use this technique I feel instantly calmer. It takes me out of the picture in an important way. It takes away so many of my parental concerns: guilt over my parenting, feeling unappreciated as a parent after all that I have done, shock at my child’s behavior and fear about who will see them acting this way, all the places that I go to that cause me anger and anxiety. This Child’s Journey Technique puts the responsibility on the child and helps calm me.
When my daughter telephoned home her freshman year in college and told me that she had gotten body jewelry, my first inner response was horror (this was years ago when body jewelry was very counter-culture). Then I decided to do Child’s Journey in my head: “This is her nose. This is her nose ring in her nose. This has nothing to do with me. This is her journey with her nose ring.” So, feeling calmer, I said, “Cool.” We went on to have a good conversation (since I had gotten my anger under control). I was thrilled with myself for controlling my anger.
Self Talk: BEST FRIEND
Picture your child as your best friend. How would you respond?
We are so supportive of our close friends. What we would say to our best friend in any given situation is often far more helpful than what we would sometimes say to our child in a difficult situation.
My best friend Erma has never lain down in front of me kicking and screaming and having a temper tantrum. But if she did, what would I say to her? I would say, “You seem so upset. How can I help you?” These are not the words that would more naturally come to my lips if my three-year-old had a temper tantrum on the floor.
Using the mental technique of picturing our child as our best friend makes it easier to change our interaction and remain calm. This mind game/self-talk can help you stay centered in a tough situation.
Self Talk: VACATION TIME
Tap into your inner vacation place.
Incorporate a mental picture in your mind as you take your three breaths. Tap into your inner vacation place. In your mind, go to your special place: that oh-so-relaxing tropical island, sun warming your face, waves lapping gently on the sea shore, palm trees bending in the breeze, cold drink in hand. Recapture your vacation calm. Feel your whole body relax as you take a three-second mini-vacation.
For some people, this really works. Use this opportunity to re-visit that special place where life was calm and mellow. Feel your whole body relax as you take a three second mini-vacation.
REHEARSALS
No matter which self-talk technique you decide to try, it will take practice. Try rehearsing the breathing and emotional distancing technique followed by one of the three self-talk techniques several times a day (choose whichever one feels most comfortable to you). You can even choose a specific situation that often triggers parent-child conflict and then mentally practice these techniques as you picture the challenging situation. These rehearsals will help establish self-calming techniques as part of your parenting skills.
And you can be guaranteed that, with a young child, if you don’t get these techniques right the first time, you will have plenty of opportunities to try these techniques again in the not-so-distant future!